51 and Gaily Advancing

I turn 51 at 8:12 this evening.
Dance dance dance
I don't lie about my age, I lie about my height - I'm 5'9".

I am damned proud to have lived this long (especially the way I abused myself in my youth). Working three jobs with three hours sleep a day, leaping up in the middle of the night to go fight a fire or cut someone out of a wreck after a long 12 hour workday. Raising three kids who have yet to see the inside of a courtroom or jail cell, who have their heads screwed on tightly, and their courage screwed tightly to the sticking point. Working my ass off for 20 years for people who not only weren't appreciative, but were downright nasty, as they sat on their butts and held their hands out for more. When I started smoking, it was because it kept the hunger pangs down so I could make sure my kids had food. When I started drinking, it was free beer for the paid performers on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday nights. Hard-drinkin', hard-smokin', and hard livin', and no apologies, no excuses.

I've learned a lot, and mostly I've learned that you can never stop learning. I've learned that the people I love the most will drift away, turn their backs, or screw me - but that hasn't stopped me from loving again and again. I've learned that you really can't fix stupid people, no matter how much you care. I've learned not to counsel men who think with the wrong heads or women who are ruled by emotion, but to just smile at them on their way to their own private Hell. I've learned not to deal with liars, cheats, or thieves, and to tell them what they are, no matter who is listening. I've learned that, for most people, having power is more important than doing something good with that power.

And I've learned that some how, some way, some day, the brass ring will come - the big dream, the ultimate goal, the culmination of all of my hopes and dreams and yes, fears - and I will grab it in both hands, wrap my mind and body and soul around it, "forsaking all others" to live the life I want without excuse or apology. As long as there is life in this abused and sore and aching body, as long as there is a goal to shoot for or a task to accomplish, the highest commitment one can make is to oneself. "To thine own self be true".

Yes, I am 51 today - a little more than half a century old, and looking forward to another half, with all the excitement, hills and valleys, challenges and struggles ahead to my ultimate goal - to stand at the Throne and say, "Did you SEE that? Wasn't that AWESOME?!? And I was THERE!" And He will chuckle indulgently and say, "Yes, yes, I was there. I saw. Now come this way - there is more to be done..."