Almost Exactly

24 hours later and I am not biting off my fingernails or anyone's heads yet. I am, however, out of cinnamon candy. There may be a bag on the coffee table; I know there's a can of Altoids in my suitcase if nothing else. Still. I'm not telling anyone that there are four packs of ciggies behind the seat of my truck, either, and a tiny brand new lighter hidden in the glove box. Nope. I'm not touching them, either; not even looking at them. I want to see who will win this fight, and knowing that those ciggies are there makes me oddly stronger. I could go grab one, but I'm not. So there.

I went to the health food store and picked up some coffee-replacement, health food, ersatz coffee. No caffeine and it is supposed to be actually good for me. I can't help it; I picked up one can and saw "Chocolate Mint" flavor on it and immediately thought - "Hmmm, Irish Coffee mix?" Bad Wiley! Bad Cat! Oh, did I forget to add I'm not supposed to be drinking, either? Yup, alcohol is one of my triggers, too. Even though I don't do it that much - twice a month, maybe, if that - it still is a trigger. So I bought the regular and the chocolate mint flavor. What the hell, I used to drink Postum regularly, every day, but they don't make that any more. I need something not as thick and cloying as hot chocolate, thin and creamy and hot, first thing in the morning, otherwise my stomach is unsettled and I get so sick. I've been that way since my teen years - hence the Postum - breakfast may be the best meal of the day for some, but if I eat it I sit in the bathroom all day. So I'll try to get back to healthy and whole.

I've had something nagging at me for two years now. It's usually like a small mouse chewing steadily at the back of my brain; every once in awhile, it is in the forefront, screaming uncontrollably loud and high-pitched. You'd never know it to look at me; as the digging gets louder or the screams more piercing, I just simply smile and relax and pretend it isn't there - even though it IS, and it is painfully, agonizingly real. I am about to resolve it, however, and this whole 'healthy alternative' is one of the steps I am taking to do it. Just a few weeks more, and things will really start popping again. So for now I'm taking the down time and using it to my advantage; cleaning out some old and musty corners in preparation for some interesting developments.