A Manual for Suicides

I wrote something like this years ago. I am sick of all of the whiny people who want to kill themselves. Not the ones who are dying anyway, who want to avoid pain and the slow undignified diapered death. No, those people I really do feel sorry for.

This is for the ones who constantly threaten, who do it for attention, who insist that they deserve happiness and everything that they want without effort, who constantly go to ERs and EMS and friends and family and police officers and live their lives in a constant state of imminent Trauma.
Shut the fuck up and just do it. You're taking up my air.

How to Kill Yourself

A) How NOT to kill yourself

1) Do NOT call 911. The 911 operator has a protocol she must go through, that activates the police department (since self-murder is against the law, or you might be trying to take someone else with you), as well as EMS. EMS and the cops will hate you. Want to go out being hated? They will either stop you (which is what you really want, you worthless pile of garbage) or, if you are bleeding, overdosed, whatever, will immediately do some pretty gruesome and painful things to keep your sorry ass alive. No one from the poor beleagured dispatcher to the pissed off EMT who had to stop doing REAL work to come to you, will like you, respect you, or give a damn if you live or die. Keeping you alive is their job, no matter how much it galls them that some whiny pissant has to be kept alive when so many hardworking struggling decent folk are quietly and unremarkedly dying. Ask not for whom the bell tolls - they are hoping that you don't make it, that you finally are successful, so they don't have to see your whimpery whiny ass ever again.

2) Do Not pick a fight with someone so that someone else calls 911 just so you have an audience when you do it. The most memorable worthless shit I ever saw doing this was the gay woman (not that there is anything wrong with being gay per se) who found out that her girlfriend was leaving her, and instead of being rational and reasonable (which, if she was ever going to be/had ever been that way, would have saved the relationship) she trapped her partner in their bedroom, then stood outside the door, screaming and ranting and raving. She did this on purpose. The phone was in the bedroom and she knew her partner would use it to try to 'save herself'. She wanted attention, and lots of it, to her screaming whining self-righteous pain. She then proceeded to tell everyone she was going to kill herself - and displayed a spork. Yes, one of those serrated plastic spoons you get with your box lunch meals. The idiot bitch scraped the spork across her wrists, causing some deep and painful - but not life-threatening - scratches. (One of the cops in the back of the group held out his pocketknife to an EMT standing nearby and said quietly, "Wanna pass this to the bitch?") Yes, you might get a lot of attention - but when the cops finally take you down and haul you off for a psych eval, they will not ever respect you. Not that you know or are looking for respect. All you want is attention, and everyone in your pissed off, inflicted audience that despises you knows it. They don't hate you because you are gay - they hate you because you are a drama queen and are bothering them.

3) Don't lie. If you took pills, prove it. A simple blood test at the ER will prove that you took pills. If they or EMS have time and are not busy - and want to make sure that you learn a lesson - they will follow an exacting protocol, which involves giving you an emetic that makes you throw up all over yourself, and making you swallow some nasty charcoal to absorb the poison. It is so much more funny when you didn't really take anything. Serves your sorry, lying, whimpering ass right. One of our greatest pleasures was timing the emetic administration in the EMS wagon, so that as soon as you were escorted into the ER room and bed, THEN you would throw up. Saved on cleaning the floors of the ER and the ambulance. Takes some timing and skill, but MAN is it funny!

4) Do not use inappropriate or ineffectual tools. The aforementioned spork is just an example. Some jump off of heights that won't kill them, just cause broken bones or scar tissue. Some jump into cold water, not realizing that they will suffer a prolonged, gasping, shaking, and very painful death if they are not fished out. Unfortunately, some idiot usually fishes them out. The phony suicide then gets pneumonia and all of the attention s/he's demanding for several weeks. No one who has to take care of you through this likes you. No one respects you. No one really gives a shit if you live or die. Most wish you would die "Serves her/him right!". Everyone involved knows that you just did it for attention, and to have some power over them.

B. Why People REALLY threaten to kill themselves, and do it over and over.

1) Attention and Power. These weak little pissants have no power over others, can't get their attention any other way. They are insecure, can't make a rational decision, and flit through life like the ineffectual, selfish, self-promoting incompetents they are. The only control they ever have in their lives is to 'attempt' suicide, which forces other people, whether they like it or not, to pay attention to them.

2) Their lives are empty. They have no idea why. They don't understand - and never will! - that it is THEIR responsibility to fill up their lives with things that they enjoy. They don't understand that most people are not happy all of the time, but that they set goals and achieve goals and work toward what they want and where they want to be. Suicides don't plan anything - except whom they are going to dump on, inflict themselves on, next. They think that everything they want, that they feel they deserve, should be given to them - no matter how they treat, mistreat, or abuse people. Their whole lives are about them - their needs, their wants, their desires, their frustrations, their broken hearts and hopes and dreams. They have no interest in any one else's. Other people don't really exist to them - at all. They are pure selfishness.

3) They are drama queens and emotional vampires. Having no real purpose in life, and refusing to set one for themselves, the only and best one that they can come up with is to try to make other people as miserable as they. They want to feel some emotion, any emotion - and so they use the emotions of others to fill their needs. They use the excuses of liquor and drugs and failed relationships and mommy and daddy failing them, but for them, truly - everyone and everything has failed them. They are completely insensate of the fact that the only one who has failed them is - themselves. They have no problem with constantly lying to, cheating, or hurting others - they think that they have that right, because they are so put-upon. If they have kids, it is their kids' fault too. They are completely two-dimensional people, and think that everyone else is too. Suicides don't see people as human beings with hopes, wants, dreams, needs, and desires - except as those people can be used for their own self-gratification. They go thru friends, lovers, spouses, even children like fire through dry underbrush, never caring whom they hurt along the way, as long as their own needs are met. Then they wonder why "no one loves them".

C. How to do it.

Now that you realize just how worthless, insulting, and useless a suicide truly is, I will tell you the best, the most effectual way to do it.
First, CALL No ONE. Throw your cel phone in the toilet. Unplug your house phone and take the receiver off of the cradle. Make sure that no children are coming home to inadvertently find you. Tell no one what your plans are. Trust me, no one really gives a damn - they just do what society demands that they do. If you have pets or kids, make sure that someone is watching them "for a few hours" or the night, so that they don't discover you. Cats in particular are not friendly to dead bodies.

You will need - a bathtub, warm water, a bottle of good wine, a razor blade (NOT a safety razor - a real brand new sharp razor blade)
Fill a bathtub with comfortably warm, slightly above body temp water, til your skin tingles. (Bubbles optional.) Lie down in the tub. Begin drinking the wine, slowly and comfortably. When the bottle is half-empty, take the razor blade and - holding your arm UNDER the water - carefully cut down - NOT across - the bluish veins in your forearm, from about mid-arm (not in the bend of the elbow) to the wrist. DO NOT lift your arm out of the water. With your other hand, slowly finish the bottle of wine (sips, not gulps), lay back and let nature take its course.

Why to do it this way -
People who really want to kill themselves should do so and not bother anyone. No one should have to find your worthless body, especially your (or anyone else's) children. No one should have to put up with your screams, rants, and raves. Sit the fuck down, shut the fuck up, and do it. If the water is warm, and the blade is sharp, there is no pain as long as you hold your arm under the water. You won't have to worry about throwing up pills. You won't have to deal with last minute panic attacks - by the time you do what you've done, you won't be able to get out.

The best part of this is, that when they eventually find your body, there is minimal cleanup. All the coroner has to do is hit the bathtub drain, then lift your body into a body bag and carry you out. No muss, no fuss. No serious cleanup, throwing out of carpets, replacing drywall or flooring. No cutting down of hanging bodies. No extensive tools or even yardwork needed. No investigation (it's obvious). You're over, you're done, and you have what you say that you want.

Not that anyone who threatens suicide will ever in their lifetime do this. They are all about attention - and somewhere in the corner of their sick, desperate, mewling, pathetic, selfish and self-serving little brains is the realization that, if they ever DID off themselves, no one would have to put up with them, no one would be controlled by them, no one would have to listen to them any more.

Feel free to print this out and hand it to the next person who tells you that they are going to kill themselves. It's the only decent thing to do - for them, and for your own sanity.